Hello, children. Pull up a seat, Uncle John's gonna rant for a bit.

This might actually be longer then my X-Box rant. Bear the fuck with me. And I absolutely refuse to guarantee any kind of point or cohesive narrative.

Okay, so I'm one of those people who's obsessed with their e-mail, right? Maybe not psychotically so, but every half hour or so, I'll check it, toss out any new spam that falls into the inbox, whatever.

Well, I'm doing that this morning, and I glance at the news articles Yahoo puts up (all I ever get in my Yahoo account is spam anyways )
and I see one that says Disney is gonna buy Marvel.

It takes a while to sink in, my brain still befuddled with sleep and general alacrity that seems my lot in life these days. When it starts to stick, I go through the usual gamut of emotions one feels when a good friend dies- you know, the whole Kubler-Ross thing with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I used to like Disney. Then again, they used to make movies I gave a shit about. I have some training in CGI, so while I know that it's very hard and very expensive, I also know that it isn't worth two craps. And I'm sitting here waiting for the rest of the world to realize it too, it seems, like a crotchety old hermit yelling at passersby that electricity and universal sufferage are just fads. I'm that hip. I mean really, is it that hard to make Toy Story with standard cel animation? I'd have to say my respect for Disney died around the time they started doing movies about people becoming bears and Tim Allen doing...whatever the hell Tim Allen does. (Never mind that Walt Disney himself was a rabid anti-Semite...but I didn't learn that 'til years later.)

So while I'll always have the memories of seeing Aladdin in theaters or memorizing Beauty and the Beast line by line BECAUSE MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD SISTER WOULD FUCKING WATCH NOTHING ELSE!!!--and the general awkwardness that came with going through puberty just as The Little Mermaid was released, I haven't given so much as a flying ninja fuck about Disney since Phil Collins won the Academy Award for Tarzan and Pixar started crapping out fish movies (I have a thing about fish being the boringest thing you can ever make a movie about). I liked the Incredibles, but I'm otherwise done. And don't fucking get me started on Disney television. As much fun as watching slow-drying paint dry on a lazy, listless Sunday. In Utah. That frigging dull.

Conversely, I've always enjoyed comics (no shit, huh?). I'll admit, I'm a geek, fuck everyone's a geek about something if you think about it. I'm a Marvel guy myself, grew up watching Spider-Man swinging through a psychedelic Manhatten and Lou Ferrigno in green body paint overturning pooltables. Batman was cool, but the rest of DC...Batman was cool, let's leave it at that.

So, yes, I collected the comics, I watched the shows--well after my peers stopped watching cartoons and started driving--I buy the movies, even the ones I don't particularily like (except the FF...they always sucked). I read up on the Civil Wars and the Secret Invasions and the Ages of Apocalypses (Apocalii?)and even the Brand New Days. I'm even putting up with Norman Osborn being America's Cop...god, Spidey needs to kick his green ass....hang on, I think I have a point here...

Oh right. The point is, I am a Marvel zombie. I shell out my seldom-earned money for these little ten minute distractions, and it's all in good fun. Really.

My beef? Well, there's the rub. At first when I heard the news, I'll admit the usual geekgasm of anxiety. "Oh shit, Disneyfied Spider-Man! It's fucking End Times, people! Get your asses to the Motherfucking shelters!!" People's heads are exploding like 'Scanners', rivers of fire, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, shit like that. Man, where's Walter Peck when you need him?

Like a lot of my fellow geeks, my head just couldn't get over the literal Mickey Mouse-ification of something we had grown to love. You know, bland generic overcommercialization and hypermarketing of the brands I'm familiar with until people know the faces but not the stories (ask any child who wrote Winnie the Pooh and you'll see what I mean.)Shit like cute little versions of Wolverine and the Punisher on infant clothes, Spidey on dog dishes, shit like that.

But when I had gotten my heart rate down and had cleaned up the hobo I think I killed in a rage-induced fugue state, I started to realize that my fears were for nothing. There's no way Disney would ever bastardize Marvel beloved stable and catalogue of characters.


BECAUSE MARVEL ALREADY FUCKING DID IT!!

Seriously, you see some of the shit out there? What is it, the 'Super Hero Squad'? Marvel's answer to the question, "How could Super Friends be even more retarded?". Goddammit, I do not want to see toddlers with a cutesie iron-on decal of Wolverine on their t-shirts, the man is a fucking mass murderer. Why not just slap Charlie Manson's mug on a cereal box? We'll call them Crazy-O's or some shit and watch Roman Polanski plotz while we cash in on his wife's death. Some things are not fucking meant to be cute. If we're gonna get the Teletubbies version of Logan (wait a tic....idea is forming ....>), then why the fuck not just go full bore, and put out a Khmer Rouge Lego set, hmm? Fun and educational for the kiddies. But not too educational, because then they'll become intellectuals, and the Khmer Rouge Lego-people will shoot them. it's fucking insane! It's up there with Freddy Krueger colouring books and Texas Chainsaw Massacre footie pajamas.

I know that the idiots out there crying shit like "Deadpool/Goofy Crossovah!!" are....idiots, it won't come to that. Nor will Hulk smash Manhatten to the upbeat musical stylings of Tim Rice--sadly, now that I dwell on that mental image, could be hilarious- but still...it doesn't sit all that well with me.

I know Disney's put out some dark shit before. Pulp Fiction, the Kill Bill movies, shit like that. So I do know that their subsidiaries aren't all sanitized and whitewashed, I know that. But the very idea that at any time during a corporate meeting, someone could potentially mention Spider-Man (eeeee!) and Hannah Montana (Boo! Your dad only had one hit, and even he fucking hates it!)in the same breath just chills my blood.


Well, all I can do is hope they keep the Mickey Mouse bullshit--and I mean that in every sense of the phrase--the fuck away from my adamantium and repulsor rays. Shit, I'm still getting over J. Jonah Jameson's dad marrying Aunt May. I don't need Scrooge McFuckingDuck buying out Stark Industries. They've been pretty good at letting their subsidiaries have some autonomy, so I do sort of doubt we'll even notice the change in management, I hope, but it's still jinky, y'know?

I mean, it's not like I'm going to stop reading Marvel Comics. What's the alternative, DC? Oh fuck no. No, that it not an option. I'll put up with Disney before I even entertain that idea. I mean, I may not like Disney, but DC, Batman aside, just fucking sucks. They're all Mr. Rogers in spandex.